I'M Sorry

My Duke Colleagues and Supervisors

When I arrived at Berkeley at Yale, one of the first people that I met was a distance runner who was nationally recognized. We became close friends because of similar backgrounds. He was from Harlem and graduated from Wesleyan University. His running partner was Erich Segal who taught the Classics at Yale and was famous for the novel and movie, Love Story. It is a story of two people who met while in college. The woman played by Ali MacGraw was a student at Radcliffe from a working-class family. She was dying from cancer. Her true love was Ryan O’Neal who attended Harvard Law and was from great wealth. They married over protests from his father. McGraw’s character on her death bed states a line that is still remembered today by people from my generation. “Love is never having to say that you’re sorry.” NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH.

One of the ways that a therapist can help someone is when they say to others who he or she has injured is the statement, “I ‘m sorry!” The inability to say that reflects a significant character flaw. It is often overlooked!

These are words that never pass the lips of Donald Trump. He sets the tone for his administration because his members across the board mirror this inability in most of their deliberations. Trump got his psychological marching orders from his mentor, Roy Cohn, who taught him that he should distract, never give in, never admit fault, attack, and always win.

The problem with this character flaw is that it tends to be mirrored in the people who serve under the leader. In this case, Trump. When have you heard one of his cabinet members and other players say, “I’m sorry?”.  During his cabinet meetings his sycophants go around the big table and tell him he is just wonderful and they are so lucky to work for him.

What causes this character disorder? This disorder stems from someone having a fragile ego, fear of vulnerability, and deep-seated insecurity, and is a sign of someone who is not strong but finds fake strength in being a bully.

Keep in mind that they act tough but are really cowards. Their narcissistic tendencies are reflected in their lack of empathy or caring for others. They are masters of readjusting reality sometimes referred to as gaslighting.

Since the recent killings in Minneapolis, all the above can be seen in the real-life actions of Trump, Noem, and Vance with their initial descriptions of what happened to Renee Nicole Good and Alex Pretti. They were judged as terrorists and people who brought the killings about because of their attacking the ICE officers when nothing could be further from the truth. When Trump heard the report that Congresswoman Ihan Omar was sprayed with a liquid at a community meeting which would scare anyone, he responded that “knowing her she probably made it up.” He called her brothers and sisters from her homeland of Somali “garbage.”

I have had people with this character flaw in counseling and have worked with some as well. My advice to you if you have someone with this character disorder in your life is to run away as quickly as you can. No! You would be surprised that you can work with these people, but don’t marry one. They are masters of being charming, so they lure people into relationships with them. They are the life of the party and must be the center of all things. They can also make people with normal self-esteem not just feel good but great. It is a form of seduction sexual and otherwise. Unfortunately, they are people magnets until you are in the relationship with them for a period of time.  I assure you the day will come that triggers their insecurity. Their misperceived power makes others afraid. They are quicksand and the more you argue with them about their behavior, it usually gets worse.

So, what should you do if you find yourself with your prototypical “I am not sorry!’ person.

Insight is the key for you, but not for them as given their fragile ego, change will not occur in most people who have this character flaw. Think of Trump! It is one lesson that he can give us as he checks all the boxes. Read and read again if any of this resonates with you regarding a fellow worker or family member. Lower your expectations. They are transactional in nature so think about what they really want as they pour on the charm. Don’t try to win an argument. Disengage from them as much as possible. They fear intimacy.

Don’t try to be their therapist, but there are times when an important breakthrough can be made and change thing can occur, but it is rare.

But there is another place for insight, and it is hard to admit or claim. Each of us has these characteristics outlined in this blog within us so we must be aware of these traits within us to be more helpful in relationships. When I was in training at Duke Medical Center, we were required to be in group therapy several times a week and we were in required individual therapy for the entire time. In addition, for several years after that we were required to be in supervision of our work. This was an important and challenging experience. But all this experience reaches fruition when you can remember your focus on each exchange in counseling like an actor knows his lines so that you can reflect on what you did right and what you did wrong after the meeting. Everything must start from a position of humility.

One of our counselors at the counseling center on the outskirts of Chester which was started by a group of us was meeting in the room next to mine on the third floor. I heard loud angry shouting and furniture being thrown around. I interrupted my session, went next door and found my colleague looking quite disheveled. The client had already left. His first words to me were, “I wonder what she was trying to say to me through her anger.” Concern for the patient first. Not concern for himself. Now I wonder what Trump, Noem, and Vance would have said or done after that kind of unsettling encounter. I have my opinion. What’s yours?