I/Thou and I/It Relationships

Mathhew 25:37-40 “When did we see you, Lord? When you did it to the least of these…”

There is a key lesson that Trump has not learned that is a lesson for the rest of us. It relates to our connection to God, self, and others. Trump doesn’t have friends. He has transactions. There is a powerful lesson to be learned from his primary style of relating which is to bully others to get what he wants.

I always taught my ethics students that there is an important way to conduct their lives that is both moral and practical. We are seeing this firsthand with Trump’s asking nations in NATO and other countries to come and help him keep the Strait of Hormoz open so ships can sail through. This would avoid financial crisis for everyone to keep the flow of oil continuing for the world economy.

The message to my students that is reflected in Trump’s War on Iran is that “you should treat everyone you are with as though your life could depend on them. Someday it just may.” Trump is calling various countries such as Britian, Germany, and France along with others to come and help him keep the Strait of Hermoz open so that ships with oil could pass through.

Recall Trump started this war on his own without the courtesy of getting Congress, the American people, and the nations he now needs on board by paying them the courtesy of what he was going to do. He did this because he wanted all the recognition. He failed to remember that he treated these entities with harsh words, tariffs, and our allies as enemies. He bullied them and now he is bullying them in a different way. “If you don’t join me, I will make it difficult for you in the future.” He knows no other way to relate to others.

The leaders of these nations had a not so surprising response to him. Tell us what your plan is to end this war which is something that he and Hegseth say that they have, but Trump could not articulate it to any of these nations. Hence, they said, “Not going to happen if you don’t have a plan.” Trump seems dumbfounded that his pass actions of name calling and belittling these nations set them in the mindset that “you didn’t respect us in the past, why should we respond to you when you need us.”

“Treat others as though your life depended on them for some day it may.” Be respectful and treat others with reverence.

This is not only moral, but it is practical as well. Being practical doesn’t diminish the power that it is moral. There are many ethical codes that do both. Take for example the universal code of “Do unto others the way that you want to be treated.” That was part of evolutionary morality where that code as well as treating people as though your life depended on it were necessary to advance us as human beings living in a social context.

The only silver lining in Trump’s War is to be made aware that interpersonal relationships are like relationships between and among nations. This was a premise of a book, The Politics of Experience by Ronald David Laing. Think about how Trump’s limitations can help you to live a more moral life. Don’t be like Trump! Be like Martin Buber!

Martin Buber was a Jewish philosopher/theologian during the 20^th century who wrote a small volume of about 100 pages called I/It and I/Thou. This small book had great influence on our culture without us even realizing it. It begins with the premise that we cannot avoid power. Buber used the phrases I/It to describe those relationships which we call transactional today. They are very much needed today such as going to a store and buying something. It describes relationships where we are in them to get something from another person. There are strings attached. It also describes when men or women are described as sex objects.

However, according to Buber there is a higher form of relationships where we see a person for who they are where there are no strings attached. This is where our power is shared. There are three forms of power in a relationship. You are either one up, one down, or shared. When the relationship is shared God is present. There are no strings attached as in transactional relationships.

A bully such as Trump and his desire for help from others is when we want something from someone else without developing a shared power. An example would be Trump’s orientation to be king to have power over others. Recall his words to Zelensky, “You don’t have the cards,” implying but I do. This leads to mistrust among the European nations.

I/Thou relationships are found in diplomacy where we spend time building trust between and among nations. This is something that every president before Trump thought was necessary to do to have each other’s backs.

We had a football coach at EA, Rodger White, who died too young. He treaty his players as I/Thou in relationship with him and required that character trait to be present in his players in their relationships with one another. They literally became a band of brothers. Whenever he was having difficulty with some of relationships on the team, he would come to my office, and we would figure out a way together of how to change an unhelpful dynamic. He was tough when he needed to be and he was also a model of how to treat others.

At his memorial service in our school chapel, one of the speakers shared a story about him that all of us should inculcate into our behavior. The caller on the phone tried to sell him a product that he didn’t necessarily need. Even when he received a phone solicitation from someone, the embodiment of an I/It relationship, unlike the rest of us, he would stay on the line, sometimes for many minutes, with the person treating them with ultimate respect and reverence, the embodiment of an I/Thou relationship.

Roger’s attitude could take you far in life.