Love is a difficult word to wrap our minds around, but we over use it. We love pizza. We love baseball, etc. It is a word that needs to be understood. In my Ethics course I taught the nature and characteristics of love, that love is one of the two pillars that support ethical action. The other pillar is Justice. I based my observations on the Greek understanding of the four loves that were explored by C. S. Lewis’ in his book, The Four Loves. (Lewis, 1960) I added to his thinking by exploring the Greek words in greater depth with the application of the tenants of psychology, theology, and philosophy. I also incorporated what I learned from students and adults along life’s way.
Storge is the Greek word for the love of parents. Parents have shaped us more than anyone else in our lives. When I ask students the question, “Who has determined the most of who you are today?” They answer 99% of the time that it is a parent or parenting figure. I witnessed situations in my 38 years as a school chaplain in which an older brother took on the role of the parent. Sometimes we desire to become exactly the opposite of our experience with our parents. Still, parents are the reference point.
Parents tend to love their children unconditionally. They can see the good in their children when others cannot. They love the ostensibly unloveable. They produce a warm and familiar environment for their children. They also have the need to say “mine” and be possessive in their approach to their children.
For example the parent who has always been a great athlete will, at times, want his child to become an extension of his dream. This cannot occur when the child has a more intense interest in playing the violin. Parents can want their child to be an extension of their own self. They assume that what they find enjoyable is what will also be enjoyable to the child. It may be or may not be. This is natural. Think about when you saw a great movie and one of your friends was not able to attend. The tendency is to encourage them to attend because you enjoyed it. They may see the same movie and think that it is terrible and wonder why you recommended it.
Storge assumes much! This is an important characteristic. You don’t really have to wonder whether parents are going to let you into the house to have dinner. Parents on the other hand don’t worry that you won’t come home. But something that is assumed can be taken advantage of. Parents can take advantage of children and children can take advantage of parents. Storge is a dynamic in friendship as well. We can assume that a friend will do one thing and they surprise us and do another.
Philia is a Greek word that means friendship. There are many different levels of friendship. Some friends are people that you hang out with while others may be part of your inner circle where you can discuss issues that are very important to you.
Friendship always begins with a shared purpose. In some way, shape or form, the friendship is forged by doing something, usually important, together. The troops in VietNam were very diverse in nature in terms of backgrounds and interests but once they left the military they became friendly with one another based on their common experience of war. They choose people who were right there with them because they did not have to explain what the experience was like. Research suggests that their war experience became a glue that bonds them together.
Friends tend to have a moral code or an immoral code. It is not written down but you know exactly what you can and cannot do. It is a set of covert rules.
Whenever there is a group of friends there is always an in group and an out group. Anytime we say “us”, we are implying that there is a “them”. Anytime we say “we”, we are implying that there is a “they”.
Friendship is a powerful emotion. The two emotions that are most essential in our lives are self-esteem and a sense of belonging. These are primary emotional needs. Notice that I say a “sense” of belonging. There are times when we can have a large number of friends but don’t sense that we belong for we harbor thoughts of, “if they only knew what I really believe they would reject me.”
Think about it. With friends you get two things at once. It is like that favorite item in a grocery store when we can see that we can buy the item and get a second one free. We give a boost to our self-esteem with friends. We tend to gather with people who make us feel better not worse. It is one of the main reasons we have friends. They know what it is like to be us. There is also the sense of belonging that we get by being part of the group. We feel surrounded by support and that can take us out of ourselves. Loyalty to friends is what creates peer pressure. Alone I may not be so great, but together we are magnificent. The power of the group can be seen as a driving force making well intentioned people better and bad intentioned people worse. Think of the power of a cancer support group with power to do good, and think of the KKK as a group with power to do bad.
Friendship can be the basis of all “isms” and prejudices. When we find an innocent victim who did nothing to deserve our contempt, friendship is a powerful glue to hold the group dynamic together. The best way at times to feel included is to push someone out of the group. The most up to date analysis of bullies is that they engage in this behavior for they have such low self esteem that they feel as though they don’t belong.
Eros is the Greek word for sexuality. Here I am referring to something that is beyond the sex act itself. I am referring to the chemistry of human sexuality. When passion enters a relationship, reason usually leaves the equation of this kind of love. Adolescence is a time when hormones are raging for both the male and the female. Sometimes their actions have us wondering about their sanity. Again passion causes reason to step aside. Our behavior makes perfect sense to us while our friends may see our behavior as self-destructive. Why would a happily married man leave his wife and children for her? Why does a public servant lose the respect of his constituency by having an affair with someone else?
Agape is God’s love for us seen by C. S. Lewis as holding the natural or biological loves mentioned above together. Each love is like a magnet wherein both the positive and the negative charge are needed. Sometimes this is expressed as, “Life is a two-edged sword.” Everything can work for us or against us. The Love of God is the source of all love, and our loves are a reflection of God’s love as the primary source.
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