The White Coat

I and others have written extensively about guilt and shame. Guilt is that I did something wrong while shame is when I feel I am something wrong. It appears that these two emotions are distinct, but not enough is written about the transition between the two which is often how and why they can take hold of our identity.

First, we can feel guilt and then over time it can be converted to shame as sometimes guilt just festers like a sore that becomes infected. There are certain actions that can be justified as guilt producing. During the Middle Ages there were writings that discussed “O happy guilt.”

What was meant by happy guilt is that there are times that it is necessary to feel guilt to keep negative actions in check. If you steal, you should feel guilty. In a way happy guilt is what keeps our social contracts in check. In the extreme, our prisons and jails are filled with people who don’t have the ability to feel guilt. Depending upon the severity of their actions, they could be labeled with the term, sociopathic. I did something wrong

It is human to feel guilt, but we must be aware that it can transition to that character trait of shame which can be an immediate response or take some time to develop. When people enter counseling, I have found that people are feeling guilty or are transitioning to that feeling of shame which can be part of their emotional life. Usually, it is more difficult to move from shame to happy guilt and not the reverse.

The problem is that we feel guilt immediately and it may take some time to move that action that produced the guilt to the feeling of shame. There is the adage. “I may remember something you said,

but I never forget how you made me feel.”

Shame is something that we guard against because of its devastating consequences, but there are two questions that can point to someone guarding fiercely against shame. You never hear them say, “I am sorry!” or “I am grateful!” Both of those declarations lead to vulnerability when what was needed is forgiveness because those two statements leave us vulnerable. Vulnerability, however, is the seed that leads to courage to change. It won’t happen until the person can say those two things and seek forgiveness.

Karl Menniger, a psychiatrist who founded The Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, wrote a book which became an instant success, “Whatever Became of Sin?” My view of what he was addressing is that people are missing the healing boat by not adding forgiveness to their lives. I think whether coming to a clergyman or a secular therapist people are looking basically for two things, understanding and forgiveness. When we understand something, we can move forward but only if forgiveness is felt if needed.

The Judeo-Christian Ethic underscores the need for power of forgiveness. In the Christian world there are many ways depending upon your denomination to express this. In Judaism we have one of the major feast days of Rosh Hashanah, a time of reflection and Yom Kippur, the day of atonement asking for forgiveness from God. In the Christian world it cane be asked in confession of sins during worship.

We must start whether people are religious or not with that awareness of that need for forgiveness. My personal belief are the words of St. Paul in Romans 7:18-20. “For I do not do good I want to do. Instead, I keep doing evil that I do not want to do.” In other words, I have yet to meet the person who wakes up and says to himself, I think I will screw up today. Sin is alienation from self, others, and God. Alienation describes much in our society today, personal, national, and global.

Why do people fear coming to a clergyman or therapist? They fear that they will be judged fueling their already present feelings of guilt or shame. But most of the forgiveness does not occur there. The reason is that not enough asking for forgiveness and healing occurs in our political arena where might makes right and gotcha reigns or in our daily life with family or friends. They can restore wholeness to family and friends more so than clergy or therapists because there are more opportunities. Remember how you felt when you asked for forgiveness and you got it? If they don’t give it, that may say more about them than you.

It’s why I designed a type of therapeutic actions that anyone can do on my website called Lever Therapy.

revsquirecounseling.com

Now to the white coat. I have reposted the photo of my colleagues at Duke Medical Center on Facebook. There is prestige with the white coat. But it sparked a terrible memory. I went to our family room as I was writing this blog and looked at the one picture of my father that is there. He was cutting meat as a butcher with his white coat on. You could tell he was confident about what he did. His customers always asked for him.

But after his stroke when I was in tenth grade, he couldn’t walk and managed to workout hard on my weights in our basement hard enough for a year before he could return to work still infirmed. When I was playing football in high school at A.A. Garthwaite Field which was lighted at night, there was a father’s night when the fathers ran onto the field with their player sons. I kept my family business apart from school, so nobody knew of our struggles at home. How was I going to deal with this as I didn’t tell him about that night?

To this day I don’t know how one of my cousins, Gerry Pettine, who was an outstanding quarterback six years earlier on the team, called me and said he would stand in for my father. I felt guilt that landed in the world of shame. My father taught me grit as he dragged his leg behind him to return to work a year later. He chose to walk to work that first day. I heard some adults mock him when they were walking down our street when they saw him. I confronted them and asked them to say their mocking words to my face. They sheepishly backed down. My father gave me a gift. He taught me to stand up to bullies and injustice. Never let anyone disrespect me or anyone around me. His white coat was a symbol of dignity for him and his coat became pride for me when I moved through the shame.