Why a Bartender Can Be The Best Marriage Counselor

There are interesting statistics on what types of therapists are able stop two people from getting divorced: psychiatrists 50%; Clinical Psychologists and Social workers 25%; and Bartenders 52%. It demonstrates that bartenders are just as good as anyone and better than most counselors. The chief reason for the bartender’s success is that when you talk with your bartender only one person can speak at a time. This was required in my ethics classes, and I never had a discipline problem in 38 years. The bartender is perceived by others as being more accepting of their situation and less judgmental than a professional.

This is because a lot of married couples (students in classes) speak over one another or aren’t really listening as much as getting ready to respond in disagreement or with their point of view.

There is a fiction in our culture that living together is better than being married. Putting aside the moral issues, most experts know that commitment holds a marriage together during tough times. I blessed the marriage of a couple who lived together for four years. The wedding reception was over the top. They were married for only four months. Many people have problems with commitment, and this is overshadowed by other issues that aren’t the heart of the matter.

People who get divorced often use the expression “we grew apart.” These are people who can’t admit that they are going to have to realize that they don’t handle change well and aren’t flexible enough to see those needs for changing perspectives earlier. They don’t take seriously the adage that “we will grow (meaning change) old together.” Growth implies nothing is fixed in time.

Two people don’t get married. Four people do. Certainly, the couple, straight or gay are the key parts, but the perspectives of the mother and father of each determine a great deal of the dynamics in a marriage. You have heard the comment that people marry people like their mother or father or the opposite of them. I have found that to be true. The couple’s experience of their parent’s marriages is important. Did they see marriage as helpful or not? Usually, if the divorce between mom and dad was handled badly, they shy away from marriage. I had a situation where I was to bless the marriage of two people. The groom had had a benign brain tumor in high school, so his mother was very overprotective of her son. She controlled a lot of his life. A week before the wedding shower and venues for the reception were finalized, out of the blue the groom called the service off with no explanation at all to this very day. I believe his mother couldn’t give up her control over him. The groom and his family cut off all communication.

A high percentage of people get divorced when they can’t resolve conflict. It is important to know yourself and your partner before you get married. Each marriage is based in the couple’s experience with their family of origin. You learn how handle conflict when growing up. On a personal note, I am very comfortable handling conflict because it is part of my working-class roots and past family life. I work hard to use it carefully. Vicki is not comfortable with conflict but she is very comfortable telling me when she doesn’t like something that I have done. When I asked her, “Why?” She responds, “I can handle conflict with you because I know you love me.” This is not a romanticized version of a relationship, but points to an essential reason why couples stay together or don’t. Couples need to feel SAFE.

There are reasons for divorce that are based in safety. One is an imbalance of power. There is the joke: Therapist to man, “Are you happy?” Man says,” Yes!” Therapist asks, “How do you know? Man to therapist, “My wife told me I was.” It used to be that divorce through the 1950s were based in function, He/she is not a good provider; are narcissistic only thinking of him or her first, or an alcoholic, etc. Whereas the 1960s were a time of great change. People divorced for emotional reasons part of which is not feeling safe psychologically or physically.

If you are lonely and that is your reason for marriage, that won’t change in the marriage. Marriage is a statement of interdependence.

Life itself can be an effective therapist. 40-50 percent of marriages end in divorce. But in couples that have lost a child, counter what many people think, only 16 percent get a divorce. We are learning lessons of coping all our lives in different ways.

Next time you are in a bar which I hope isn’t frequently, pay attention to what people are saying to the bartender. You may be surprised. He is a safe place, a key to a good marriage.

When people come to me for marriage counseling, I will at some point ask them to tell me what happened in the space between when they began to date until it became an important relationship. They think that I am trying to trick them. I don’t want to know where they went for dinner, etc. I want them to experience the reason they got together, the passion.

I believe that a counselor should try to find out what is right in the relationship not only what is wrong. Nobody is perfect. Everyone has some pain or a hot button. Don’t shoot a bullet in your criticism. Go for pillow!

The best passion which is irrational by its very nature says: Don’t marry someone you can live with. Chase the person you couldn’t live without!