Be Like Rich

There is one word for a person who embodies the definition of supererogation. Our caretaker of our home on the Chesapeake is a gentleman whose name is Rich. He lives out the definition of the word supererogation which means to go above and beyond the call of duty. We are here on the Bay for a couple of days, and each trip reminds me of how his life is lived with everyone by giving more than folks have asked for. He is what Jesus requires us to do to live a fuller life. “If someone asks for your shirt, give him your coat as well.” (Matthew 5:40)

It appears at first that he is asking us to give something up. It really is something different referred to as the miracle of the empty hands where “we only get to keep what we are willing to give away.” Think about the many interpretations of this Buddhist koan. We call it a riddle. For me it means that the real happiness is found in giving something to others that is found in the moment that you realize how great that gift is to them certainly but also to you.  

This code is found in both places and in people. Two places and people come immediately to mind. I have had the occasion to stay at the Ritz and many other hotels. We shop at the Acme and Whole Foods. There is a difference in both grocery experiences and the Ritz and other hotels.

When you ask where an item is in the Acme, the response of the employee is that it is usually somewhere near the crackers or if you are lucky, they will tell you which aisle it is in. When you shop at Whole Foods and ask where an item is, they will most likely walk you right to where the item is.

Both Adam and Courtney Squire are now regenerative farmers which is a stop above Whole Foods. Prior to owning a farm in a beautiful part of Connecticut, they had risen through the administration ranks to become managers of Whole Foods stores which are like miniature cities. Adam also was a buyer for the seafood part of the Mid-Atlantic region. Lots of plane rides and trips in cars.

I once asked them what they look for when they hired people and was surprised by their response. T

hey pretend that they are the customer and try to determine how the customer in front of the customer would feel in asking for help. Everything followed that. It turns out that the employees are self-selective to a degree. The personality of the employee is the critical difference in Whole Foods. If they have a welcoming demeanor, that is job number one. This also means that the employees at Whole Foods are a model DEI. Personhood first. All other forms of identity are unimportant.

They fire employees with the same kind of humanity. It’s not a Trump “You’re fired” approach as much as the employee is given clear guidelines of what aspects of their job that they must improve. It’s a process not a judgement.

When you stay at the Ritz, from the time that you enter through the front door everyone treats you with appropriate attention. It is not a workshop that they attended as much as they are “real” about wanting to give attention to the customer in a natural way. There is a difference between going above and beyond the call of duty and someone who is fake in their interest in you. I have often said that students would make the best therapists. They can spot a phony quicker than anyone. Our EA motto, Esse Quam Videri, to be rather than to seem to would be essential for any community.

It turns out that Malcolm Gladwell, the thought leader, may be right that you can tell everything you need to know about a person in the first 15 seconds of meeting them. I believe that to be true.

The Medal of Honor is the highest and most prestigious military decoration awarded by the United States government. It is for those who go above and beyond the call of duty.

Supererogation is part of what makes relationships work at the highest level of places and people. It is something that we have lost where such attitudes as “what have you done for me lately” have entered more in our world of relationships. Transactional relationships have taken over social discourse. The transaction of “you do this for me, and I will do X for you” is the difference between “no strings attached” and “string attached.”

Supererogation is the heart of the therapeutic encounter where the client finds a pure encounter where the therapist has nothing to get from the client when so many of the client’s relationships have been filled with just doing one’s duty and nothing else.

There is nothing wrong with doing what is expected of you, but if you want to take vital relationships to the next level, realize that duty is the norm. If you want richness in the relationship, remember “if someone asks for the proverbial “shirt off your back, give them your coat as well.”

Therapy is an art form. Sheldon Kopp, one of the great clinicians, describes the nature of the therapeutic alliance this way. It is like a card game. He said “the person comes to see you for help, and he or she has their cards held tightly to their chest. The therapist greets them and then lays all his cards on the table face up.” It is that gesture that changes others for the better because you also feel great when you provide an environment where week after week you can see the one who you helped help others. Thus, the cycle begins!

Harry Stack Sullivan who is the founder of the Interpersonal School of Therapy said it simply when he was asked, “What makes a person mature?” His response was simple. “It is the ability to put the other person first.” I would add, “And give them your coat as well.”

That is something my caretaker does every day of his life. He has made me a better person because he inspires me to do the same. My best days are when I am more like him, so I am touching my better self and soul.