Photo by Rory Bjorkman
We have heard the term, gaslighting, used frequently by the news media. When I first heard it, I didn’t check out its meaning until it became such a daily reference in reporting. It is based in a movie, Gaslight, where a husband convinces his wife that she is really crazy. It occurs when the husband reduces the gaslight in the apartment and convinces his wife that she is imagining this reduction of light. His wife becomes a victim as he lies about the gaslight dimming and claims that she is imagining things causing her to question her sanity. The goal is to have the victim lose self-esteem and a grasp on reality. Today it most often refers to lies that are told repeatedly to the point that the victim doesn’t know what is true or false.
This phenomenon gave birth to President Trump’s calling everything he didn’t agree with fake news. He lies repeatedly about his behavior and constructs his own reality.
I had never heard of the term gaslighting, but in my training in counseling I was introduced to the “classic double bind” which can cause people to become unhinged. Double binds are when we are given two contradicting statements that cannot both be true. It was introduced in psychology by Gregory Bateson in the 1950 (s) as a cause of deep distress. Two examples would be when a parent says to a child, “Sit down and be spontaneous in your writing!”. An abusive husband may seriously injure his wife and then quickly hug her and tell her how much he loves her. Both examples demonstrate conflicting messages.
If you are constantly hearing someone say that everything is “fake news”, a person can begin not to trust their own beliefs about a person or situation particularly if this is said over and over again. Double binds depend on creating an environment of control, confusion, and chaos. It is hard to separate truth from fiction and the perpetrator knows this and is effective in manipulating others.
This is countered in the news media by the creation of the “fact checker”. In the words of the old detective series “Dragnet”, Sargent Friday wants one thing. “Give me the facts just the facts.”
It is hard to confront double binds in relationships but one proven way is to talk about it with someone who is objective outside of the relationship such as a friend or counselor.
I saw this firsthand in working with students who were given double bind communication at home or with friends that caused them to feel that no matter what they did, they were wrong. They felt caught with no way to resolve the situation. They would usually start the conversation with me by saying, “Can I talk with you about a problem that I am having? It’s no big deal.” They really believed that it was no big deal but then would share with me a terrible situation with classic double binds creating tears and sadness right before me.
My response was, “What you are going through is a big deal. That is a fact. Knowing that is the first step to getting you resolution of the issue. I will help you with that.” Their relief would be palpable for they thought that they were literally losing their mind. Intervention produces results. As we have heard, you are entitled to your opinions but you are not entitled to the facts of the matter. Facts are truth and truth can set us free. If you feel someone has you feeling that nothing you do is right, get help. Gaslighting is about creating darkness of the most despicable kind as it dehumanizes others on purpose.
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