Give a Little! Get a Lot

About half of Americans (48%) said that Trump’s actions are worse than they expected. Two out of ten said that they are better than what they expected. Joe Rogan, the podcaster said that he would vote for Trump and encouraged his listeners to do the same is shocked by what Trump has done. The word that seems to weave its way through various polls is the word, surprise!

Given the fact that sports betting has for many years has been seen as wrong but with the growing number of ways that you can legitimately bet on a team have surfaced in the shocking insider trading that has occurred in professional basketball. Some of the people had much to lose and were making millions of dollars because of their legitimate raking in money that they really didn’t need to find a way to get more money. Once again, we hear that word, surprise, moving around in the culture. Some even say shock because no one saw it coming. I have indicated to many that I don’t like surprises except with birthdays.

But let’s look at how the surprises and expectations around Trump’s carrying out his duties as president is like the cause of insider trading and betting on professional basketball. They are related to an aspect of our humanity that we avoid looking at, but it explains much about our human behavior. It is something to be aware of so that we don’t fall for its seductive trap. As human beings we want to give a little to get a lot. That simple statement can dominate our actions.

I know, reader, that you can distance yourself from Trump and Gambling quickly as both experiences don’t relate to you, but you and I would be wrong. One of the key dysfunctions in relationships, particularly marriage, is this underlying dynamic to give a little to get a lot. In fact, the Greek word for love, Philia, means that love can get you a buy one, get one free dynamic relating to others. In friendship we receive a sense of belonging and increased self-esteem. Philia is the biggest bang for our emotional investment like going to the store and seeing that item buy one and get one free. But marriages contain Philia, friendship, and Eros, which is irrational and translates to passion. When we are passionate about something or someone, we become irrational.

One of the important studies of our irrational impulses, to want to give a little and gain a lot, is experienced in friendships and certainly marriage. This phenomenon was studied by William Lederer and Don Jackson in their classic work, The Mirages of Marriage: Unpacking Illusion and Building Real Connections.

Their premise is that illusions and misconceptions about marriage and friendship can lead to disappointment and conflict. By recognizing these illusions, couples or friends can address the underlying issues and foster a more realistic and healthy relationship.

Many couples believe in perfect compatibility leading to constant agreement. However, every relationship involves differences and conflicts. Embracing differences and learning to navigate conflicts is crucial to a healthy marriage and friendship. I often indicated that people come to see me when they don’t know how to manage conflict. Conflicts are like blood in the water.

According to Lederer and Larson there is a mirage in the belief in unchanging love. Love evolves. Couples who express their feelings and need clearly foster mutual understanding.

But in my experience friendships and marriages shouldn’t be free of hard work. All relationships require hard work, and compromise, and commitment which leads to overcome challenges and strengthens bonds.

When I have two friends or a couple in a marriage come to me to help them resolve their differences, I respond immediately to their statements that they have never had a fight as though that is a badge of honor. Prioritizing communication is a crucial where they can express their feelings and avoid blame.

But I take it one step further than Lederer and Jackson. Do they have an understanding that it is human nature (and OK) if they want to give a little and get a lot back. Two people like two nations have concerns about power.

When you look at Trump’s tariffs, the whole issue revolves around power. Trump’s comment to Zelensky: “You don’t have the cards!” is an expression of that truth.

But Trump, Gamblers, and couples want the same thing. The want to “give a little to get a lot.” When I can have a couple see the power issue for what it is, dysfunction goes away. Because that hasn’t happened with Trump and Gamblers, dysfunction keeps going and going. Nobody wants to admit to that part of human nature because it seems selfish and against our values.

But the founder of the Interpersonal School of Psychotherapy, Harry Stack Sullivan, understood this completely when he said, “The definition of maturity is when you can put another person first.” That is a lesson that the gamblers and insider traders and Trump never learned.