How To Have Difficult Conversations

I have attached a video of former student, Neysun Mahboubi, EA, Princeton, and Columbia Law School, who is the Director of the Penn Project on the Future of US and China Relations.

He was interviewed by Liu Xin, a member of the Chinese media, on her show “The Point”. The question that was to be addressed was “Are Chinese Students Still Welcome in the US?” If you watch it, you will learn much about where that tension is today. But I also want you to watch it to see how Neysun deals with hard questions regarding the issue that has been a very touchy subject in China.

Neysun addresses both sides of the issue in the most diplomatic way. He deals with the issue and does not attack any Chinese administrators. Once he opens the conversation by providing a context of honor, he frees Ms. Xin to engage in a robust discussion where they are not attacking each other. What he does is develop a path to greater connectivity which spearheads his work at Penn.

At the core of the exchange both Liu and Neysun move closer together not so much in agreement as much as in valuing the importance of understanding each other’s point of view.

I wrote about this approach when I wrote about Mauritius, an island with great diversity, where the inhabitants get along so well with each other. I pointed out that in the West we always want to win (Just google the exchange between Musk and Trump or for that matter between any person that Trump does not agrees with.) In contrast Eastern thought encourages people to move closer to one another in negotiation. The important element on the island is trust.

I want you to notice Neysun’s use of the phrase “it depends on your perspective.” Trump and Musk would simply say, “You are wrong.” The following is a general statement, but research supports my view. In gender studies, women come to resolution of a dilemma by having a general conversation. Men tend to just want closure, the quicker the better.  

I taught conversation styles in ethics class. If I were meeting with that class tomorrow, I would use the following approach. I would show episodes when Trump engages in a high stakes issue as he did to bully his way through Congress to get his Big Ugly Bill passed. He did this by focusing on his messages and making threats to politicians who didn’t support his bill. Then I would have the students watch the video and focus on Neysun’s interaction during the interview.

We learn behavior by watching others and putting the emphasis on understanding and not winning. In this case watching others in difficult conversations can change our perspective. I hope that students in my ethics class’s benefit in achieving the right way of using that skill in life. I also encouraged my students to learn the skill of civil discourse in their family listening to exchanges, and in their faith. That is just one of the reasons I am so proud of Neysun Mahboubi.

Neysun came to my office when he was in Middle School. We talked about his family who had been killed in their native land because they would not renounce their Baha’i faith which emphasizes the unity of all religions and the oneness of humanity as well as the pursuit of world peace. We all have those exchanges that stay with us and inform us through life. It was clear to me even then that three things would live in his soul, the importance of family, his faith, and his quest for understanding difficult challenges in the world. Neysun planned the service for his sister, Mona, a young physician who died too young of cancer who exhibited these traits as well. Mona, an infectious disease specialist at Georgetown Hospital, traveled to remote parts of the world to care for those in need in the tradition of Dr. Paul Farmer. It was a privilege for me to speak at her Memorial Service.

I believe that Neysun has come to this ability to engage and respect other points of view as well by his experience at EA, Princeton, and Columbia Law School. He was nurtured for this search for truth and open dialogue from his parents as well. His father Soroosh, and his mother, Soheila both manifest kindness, hospitality, and the highest moral standards above all else.

How To Have Difficult Conversations