The Power of the Compliment and Moral Beauty

Photo by Erik McLean

Compliments are communication, but we don’t think about them often. I have heard few people who are aware of them. There are 20 of them in scripture that are powerful statements such as “You have the gift of encouragement, I always enjoy being with you.” Romans 12:6-8; You’re courageous, I admire how you depend on God as you walk through life with him: Deuteronomy 13:6 You are great at delegating! I appreciate this trait because I feel you trust me and value me.”  Exodus 18:21. The above are a good example of a few of the compliments in the Bible.

I want to underscore the importance of compliments as possessing the ability to have someone else feel great and paradoxically how you the giver of the compliment feel better as well.

Most of us will remember criticism and not the compliments that we receive. You can get 99 compliments and 1 criticism, and surveys indicate you remember the criticism. My ethics students agreed with that assumption. Research has found that there is a 5 to 1 ratio where giving compliments empowers other people in their work and daily lives. The Gottman Institute has studied compliments and criticism in interpersonal relationships The study also found this same ratio when 5 criticism (5) to (1) compliment causes dysfunctional relationships.

The study also found that women give more compliments than men. In the United States compliments use five adjectives: nice, good, beautiful, pretty, and great. Women usually compliment appearance, and men usually compliment performance.

A compliment can make someone’s day. We never know what kind of day any person is having.

But keep in mind the downside to a stye of complimenting. Make the compliment in such a way that implies that you don’t want something from the other person. People are very astute. Also avoid a compliment that has a qualifier to it such as, “You look great for a person your age.” Or for a bald guy, you look great!” You’re a lot better tennis player than (another person to be named.”)

Compliments have another downside when a person withholds giving a compliment when an occasion requires one. There are also situations where someone values another person’s compliment. The other person would never give it to him. Withholding a much-desired compliment can be a negative way of controlling another individual.

What can make a difference in our political dialogue which is, at times, vile, and divisive?

Just as we saw in the biblical statements about positive comments, the psychologist Rhett Kiessner, calls for “moral beauty.” He is referring to a characteristic in acts of charity, kindness, compassion, forgiveness, courage or, he finds that in self-sacrifice. He and his co-author, Rico Pohling find that witnessing such beauty raises the moral elevation which turns to being more optimistic about humanity.

“Moral beauty is deeply praiseworthy, yet we easily let it pass unremarked. Saying “Nice job” or “Good job” is fine, I suppose. But making a habit of recognizing and complimenting true acts of love and kindness can help us all get more of the uplift we need.”

We watch CBS Evening News. After most broadcasts the newscaster will announce a story that is told that highlights one of the things that are about some aspect of the “moral beauty.” It follows news that is about tragedy after tragedy which usually contains footage of bad weather, an error in the navigation of an airplane, various car crashes, etc. with warnings that what they are about to show the viewer is something disturbing. It is an effort to have the viewer leave the newscast with one of those aspects of “moral beauty.”

I have written this blog after the attempted assassination of President Trump. He and Melania wanted Jimmy Kimmel fired again. The next night Trump verbally attacked Nora O’Donnell in an interview on 60 minutes. The same thing occurred between Hegseth and members of Congress when he was being held accountable for the way the War in Iran was being fought, and the fact that the members of the Congress had many questions about the war and his conduct as the Secretary of War.

The need for Moral Beauty in our national dialogue is very important as a national mandate. We have lost the ability to talk with one another. This violent rhetoric is what drives families into family therapy.

Compliments are a good start, but dysfunction in dialogue will keep taking us down the road to destruction. No, it hasn’t always been this way! Listening to an address by Ben  Sasse, a Congressman and former college president recently diagnosed with pancreatic cancer is a perfect model for us to listen to for guidance.   

Ben Sasse Address On 60 Minutes