Ma

I Kings 19:12 “The Lord was not in the fire, but after the fire a still small voice.”

Recall that I have indicated that when someone came to my office to discuss a problem, it is also helpful if they thought of possible solutions so they can be empowered by coming up with solutions on their own.

My last blog dealt with the conversational style that is unhelpful in building bridges as it focuses on winning an argument with gotcha questions. These are questions that are used frequently in Congress when interrogating people before Senators and House members.

This is what lawyers use when litigating a situation. They trap the person on the witness stand. It shouldn’t be a surprise that this is standard procedure for them. There are 179 lawyers in Congress, 140 Representatives (31%) and 47 Senators (47%). Winning confrontations is part of their training. So, it is understandable that this form of communication through winning is ever present.

The solution isn’t easy and it has never been easy for me. Let me explain. I read recently about the Japanese word, Ma, which means a meaningful interval creating a pause to create room for listening. This a sacred moment, a still small voice if you will. How often do we listen to someone, and we are thinking of our response instead of giving full attention to the other.

We need to identify the issue of litigation style usually containing yes and no questions and make a change to the Via Media which means more in ethics than just “choosing the lesser of two evils or wrong but necessary decisions.” We find that Via Media is the center of the Anglican (Episcopal) Church’s responses. It doesn’t mean to be wishy washy. It means to work hard to get into the other person’s shoes (empathy) and to try to move the problem to the middle for both people. The goal is not winning with gotcha questions but indicate that your relationship with the other person is more important than winning. This is harder to do than gotcha exchanges.

I will use myself as an example. I grew up and lived most of my life focused on winning at all costs. I was taught that too well by my working-class roots. Time after time being first was all important, but winning can become a hollow experience in a culture that supports winning at all costs. I am not talking about winning in sports contests where winning is part of the game.

Like the members of Congress, when things get tense the litigator in me comes out big time. Hint, if we want to put someone on the defense, just use the word “why” to begin a sentence. It is harder to find that approach of what do I need to do to make this relationship better.  It used to be that people in Congress were celebrated for “working across the aisle”. Now compromise is a dirty word. We have armed camps. That is what gotcha has caused.

For me and others raised to win, it is something that I and others must be diligent in being aware of this character trait. It feels much better to arrive at a win/win outcome. However, unfortunately this is the road less traveled. The question that produces a positive is one where we say to ourselves, “How can I make this relationship with the other stronger while we are trying to solve a problem?” Not win at all costs, but the return to the phenomenon known as compromise staying with our opinion but trying to move closer to the person with whom we see things differently.